I am not ashamed any longer

Some (not all) people are telling me to keep quiet, keep my mouth shut, be careful. They say Garvey is a powerful man, he has influence and resources beyond my imagination. They cite the seriousness and number of allegations against him, from which he came away relatively unscathed. He remains listed on the Mercyhurst directory, draws over $120,000 in compensation while in "retirement" and is still being appointed to civic positions. Barry Grossman, an Erie mayoral candidate, lists Garvey as one of his heroes. It seems, like Richard Nixon after the McCarthy fiasco, he'll weather the storm and he'll be back. My friends may be right but this is too important. Too important for me and Garvey's other victims. Too important for other victims of pedophilia who need the support of a familiar voice. And too important for anyone out there with children. This plague of predation must stop. No more victims.

What these well-meaning people do not understand is that Garvey built me up and beat me up. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, on a day to day basis and a long term basis as well. He tricked me into his bed and abused me. Perhaps worst of all he isolated me from my friends, teammates, and even my own family. He made me feel ashamed of myself. Not him. I didn't realize that until later. Ashamed of myself for wanting something so badly that I believed he really was acting in my best interests. Ashamed that I had been so sexually uninformed and naive that I had no idea what he was doing until it was too late. So ashamed that I couldn't tell my parents or teachers what he was doing to me.

While the sexual abuse one suffers at the hands of a pedophile is debasing, dehumanizing, repugnant, and evil, it is not necessarily the aspect of the abuse that wounds longest or deepest. That is the the scar of manipulation, deceit, and betrayal. The loss of one's self-esteem and confidence. The loss of one's ability to trust. The loss of one's ability to commit. The loss of one's ability to love. Things that take years or even lifetimes to rebuild if ever at all.

This is why I'm writing. To tell those of you out there who like me have lived the self-loathing and pain that comes from the multi-faceted abuse received at the hands of Garvey or any other abuser: YOU HAVE NOTHING OF WHICH TO BE ASHAMED! We are the victims. I freed myself of the physical abuse years ago. This is part of healing myself of the rest.

predafile@hotmail.com